Blue Holidays – getting through the holidays when you don’t feel like celebrating
After the unexpected passing of my dad, the last thing I feel like doing is celebrating this year. The holidays are always something to look forward to in our family. This year feels different. Instead of fighting against it, I’m deciding to get curious and see how a quieter, more contemplative holiday season feels this year. If you’re struggling with the pressure of the holidays, you’re welcome to join me.
Be open to change
After dad’s passing in August, we are about to enter the time I have been dreading….the holidays. Now the holiday time (Thanksgiving through New Year’s Day) is always marked with potential potholes. It’s a time when expectations are high and memories loom large. When the patriarch and spiritual rock of the family has just died suddenly…as in “poof”…here one moment and gone the next, it’s hard to even imaging what the holidays will bring.
This is a time of year I always love and I usually plan for in the months before. This year, I feel like I’ve been dropped into it. It will be Thanksgiving in less that a week and then the lead up to Christmas immediately afterwards. There is no plan this year. We will not be gathering as a family at mom and dad’s house. We are all hurting and tender, but it’s still very hard to talk about. When we all gather together, the loss of dad is even more noticeable. So how on earth are we (am I) going to get through this?
Don’t be afraid
Yesterday’s sermon really resonates this year. Pastor Lynn was talking about how “fear not” is the most repeated phrase in the Bible. Isn’t that interesting? As I mourn my dad, fear is certainly a huge part of this journey. One moment dad was here…and the next he was not. He was the spiritual leader of our family. The thought of going through the holidays without him is unimaginable. And it’s not just the holidays. What is life going to be like beginning next year? There are so many things which are unknown and scare me. Knowing that God’s got this and that if He were standing here would say, “Don’t be afraid” is comforting on a level I haven’t felt before.
Don’t we all have a tendency to plan things out? When we suffer a major loss of a person or thing in our life which has always meant stability and safety, all those plans go out the window. No matter the storm of life, I could always call dad for wise counsel, prayers, and in many ways just to make it all right. Now, it feels as if a safety net has disappeared, but has it?
Give yourself (and others) extra grace
It was so simple. Today, we were having a new refrigerator delivered. Not only did dealing with this rob me of my joy, it also resulted in me stealing the joy of others. My battle with the refrigerator installation became an existential event. God bless those who had to deal with my anxiety, fussing, and general stomping around.
During regular times, a problem with an appliance delivery would not bring me to tears or make even minimal problem-solving difficult. But these aren’t regular times. I’m grieving. Even the simplest of things feels difficult. I’m sure the holiday season (and this new season of life) will be full of hard times. But I also know that if I just keep moving through this and giving myself (and everyone else) grace, it won’t be as painful. So, the thought I’m carrying through today in my “blue holidays” is to not get sidetracked by a refrigerator. In the end, it isn’t that important. And in the end, we will figure out how to make it fit. I’m sure the new way of living will follow this pattern, too.
Use a travel guide
A couple of years ago, the pastor at my parent’s church had a Blue Christmas service. It was for all of those who have experienced a loss or are not experiencing the holiday “joy” which is very much expected in our society. So, the other day, I started researching the Blue Christmas service and meaning. I’m going to use this idea to help carry me through the holidays this year.
“The ‘Blue Christmas’ service used for the outline of this series is based on an order developed and used at The Cathedral Church of Saint Andrew, Honolulu Hawaii. If you are anticipating a nontraditional set of holidays this year. Please join me as we experience the Blue Holidays together. If nothing else happens, at least we will not be alone.
Let go of the “shoulds”
Oh, the long list of family traditions. The things we ALWAYS do. It won’t be the holidays without (fill in your should here). What if we just threw out the whole list? This is what started my holiday anxiety this year. It began with Thanksgiving preparations. Mom didn’t want to do a traditional holiday. The initial impulse was to simplify. We could just order a prepared meal. No, she said. She didn’t want to do anything. In that moment, it was not going to be possible to have the traditional meal, decorations and festivities. What was the most important thing for her…for all of us? It was being together, remembering dad, and eating something.
In order to simplify, there will be visits with family spread throughout the season. Having everyone at once was just too overwhelming for mom…and for the rest of us. We ordered a time capsule to add letters, stories, pictures or mementos of dad. And, we will order a Japanese takeout dinner. I’m sure we will laugh and we will cry. In the end, we will all find ways to be thankful. Even during this difficult, dark, holiday time, there is hope and light on the other side.
Next week: Tiptoeing into Advent
