Finding joy through difficult holidays
The holidays can be beautiful times with plenty to celebrate and a wonderful, magical season with friends and family. They can also be times when our grief, loneliness or loss becomes larger and more acute. It was in experiencing a few of my own rough patches, that I discovered a process for finding joy through difficult holidays. You can, too.
First of all, slow down
The first step to finding joy through a difficult holiday is to slow down. My most recent blue holiday was a combination of my father’s death, caretaking for my mom, and dealing with my own mental health. These all collided into a very difficult holiday season. In my family, mental wellness is a huge priority. Whenever anyone is struggling, the first advice we give them (or ourselves) is to “drop everything and slow down.”
I don’t know about you, but part of the extra stress of any holiday is the busyness and rushing around. There are parties, kid’s performances, church activities, family visits, and that’s all before the shopping, decorating and wrapping. When the holidays are difficult, there is no joy to be found in all of this. We are just running around and keeping busy without attending to our own mental and physical health. You will be surprised with how much better you feel if you stop everything and take a breath.
Next, drop the lists
There is nothing worse to kill joy than trying to live up to the holidays past or expectations of holidays present. Lists, calendars and plans are one of my strengths and an essential part of keeping my health and well-being on track. However, in the midst of a difficult holiday they can steal joy. If you’re like me and tend to re-use lists, just put it aside and start a new, minimalist one.
It’s amazing how many items on holiday lists are not critical. Now in my 50’s, I can safely say that you can get through the holidays without special meals, a tree, presents, family trips, cards, etc. Every time things fall apart; it seems to make space for the unforeseen blessings…and dare I say, “joy.” Try to get rid of all of the non-essential things during difficult holidays in order to make space for finding joy.
Embrace the mystery of the season
Thinking back over the most joyful holidays, they were the ones which were difficult or got “messed” up for some reason. The holidays we met my brother and his family at a beach house and made fish tacos is one of the best our family can remember. The Christmas my husband and I (who were separated at the time) spent Christmas Eve at the emergency room with our son and missed both holiday celebrations with our families was another. We ended up spending Christmas with both our boys and eating lasagna. As fate would have it, that Christmas was the beginning of a long season of healing for our marriage and family.
Why are we celebrating? Is being happy the same as being joyful? Happy is defined as “enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment.” While joy is defined similarly, as the “emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune… or by the prospect of possessing what one desires.” When I began to see that happiness is very much dependent on how I feel right now, and joy included the “prospect” of good things to come; I began understanding the true spirit of Christmas.
Count it all joy
Finding joy through difficult holidays is really the same as finding joy in the everyday. We need to rethink our definition of “joy.” Joy and happiness are quite different. As a Christian, the best example of this is in the Christmas story itself. If we read it anew each year, different parts will stand out. In difficult years, I think of the struggle of Mary and Joseph to travel to Bethlehem while she was very pregnant. The frustration they must have felt when they couldn’t find a place to stay. And then the fear of giving birth for the first time in a stable.
In the book of James 1: 1-2, it tells us…
“My brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance; and let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing.”
James 1:2-4
This is such a difficult verse to understand and believe. Count everything as joy? During the difficult times of life, we are not expected to be happy…but instead, joyful. How can this be during a blue holiday season? The answer is to count it as a joy in preparation for what is to come. Out of the difficulties, we build faith, endurance, and become mature. Eventually, we are promised, we will lack nothing. We may not know the immediate future, but we know the overarching story of God’s blessings for us and for our world. We can count on – rely or depend on someone or something – in this instance, it is God. This season, whether it be difficult or easy, I pray you can experience joy.
