Lessons of “Blue Holidays” Past Prepared Me for This Year
After the unexpected passing of my dad, the last thing I felt like doing last year was celebrating. We always looked forward to the holidays in our family, so last year felt different. Instead of fighting against it, I decided to get curious and see how a quieter, more contemplative holiday season felt. Last year’s blog post about “blue holidays,” was cathartic and seemed to strike a nerve with others as well. The lessons learned during “blue holidays” past prepared me for another season of loss and sadness, but also reminded me of the hope and light which always come after the darkness.
Fast forward to this year and the lessons learned last year make this second difficult year more bearable. In all honesty, the death of my dad was just settling in when we almost lost my mom. And within months, we lost my husband’s mom, too. The losses left me wobbly. Combined with a lot of change in the last year, including taking on the caretaking of my mom, I continue to be a bit off kilter. If you’re struggling with the pressure of the holidays, you’re welcome to join me as I navigate the “blue holidays” for the second year. Here are some things I continue to work on.
Change is inevitable, so try to embrace it
The holidays (Thanksgiving through New Year’s Day) are always marked with potential potholes. It’s a time when expectations are high, and memories loom large. Last year, when the patriarch and spiritual rock of the family, my dad, died suddenly, it was hard to imagine what the holidays would be like. We survived and learned from it. This year, we also lost my mother-in-love, the matriarch of my husband’s deeply traditional, southern family. It was a terrible sense of déjà vu. But the lessons of “blue holidays” past prepared me and gave me valuable tools to cope.
This is a time of year I always love, and I am usually planning it for in the months in advance. However, like last year, the season felt hard to celebrate. We met for a disorganized Thanksgiving at my parents’ house last week after more surprises. My husband was injured in a mountain biking crash and our oldest son flew home to visit and promptly got sick. So, learning to “go with the flow” became an essential skill. We ended up with turkey dinner from Cracker Barrel and it was delicious. We also welcomed a new daughter-in-love after our youngest son got married over the summer. Life goes on and there is hope, as well as sadness, in all the changes.
Don’t be afraid, be curious
Last year, our pastor told the congregation that “fear not” is the most repeated phrase in the Bible. Isn’t that interesting? Losing my father and my husband’s mom in one year created enormous voids and unknowns. It’s scary. Knowing that God’s got this and that if He were standing here would say, “Don’t be afraid” is comforting. The lessons of last year’s “blue Christmas” prepared me to rely on the traditions my dad taught me. The result has been greater peace.
Don’t we all tend to plan things out? When we suffer a major loss of a person or thing in our life which has always meant stability and safety, all those plans go out the window. No matter the storms of life, my husband and I turned to our parents for wise counsel, prayers, and in many ways just to make it all right. Now, it feels as if a safety net has disappeared. But the lessons of “blue holidays” past prepared me to be curious rather than afraid. How might these losses help us learn and grow? And how might learning bravery through life changes help us adjust and find hope?
Extend extra grace this season
Last year, I wrote about how a simple broken refrigerator robbed me of my joy…and gave me so much anxiety that I robbed others of theirs. This year, it was the Thanksgiving dinner that brought tears and a downward spiral. It was all planned out until a phone call alerted me my husband was at the hospital with a mild concussion and broken wrist. We needed to delay our travels by a couple of days and the “perfect” dinner of my dreams evaporated. During regular times, a problem with an appliance or dinner would not bring me to tears or make even minimal problem-solving difficult. But these aren’t regular times. This year I am better at giving myself grace and sharing how I feel with those who love me.
Having a “blue holiday” last year, taught me that if I just keep moving through this and giving myself (and everyone else) grace, it won’t be as painful. So, the thought I’m carrying throughout this year’s is not to get sidetracked by refrigerators or meals. In the end, it isn’t that important. We will figure out how to make things work and will have stories to tell. I’m sure the new way of living will follow this pattern, too.
Follow a proven map
Once a preacher’s kid, always a preacher’s kid. My dad was always a traditionalist about the church calendar. I was in search of the steadiness and comfort which traditional church liturgy can bring. So last year, I used a Blue Christmas service as my map. It is a service for all of those who have experienced a loss or are not experiencing the holiday “joy” which is very much expected in our society. “The ‘Blue Christmas’ service used for the outline of this series is based on an order developed and used at The Cathedral Church of Saint Andrew, Honolulu Hawaii. If you are anticipating a nontraditional set of holidays this year. Please join me as we experience the Blue Holidays together. If nothing else happens, at least we will not be alone.” Maybe that was the most important lesson learned from “blue holidays” past?
And during the holiday season, following this outline opened me up to experiencing liturgical celebrations as a way of walking through the season. It makes sense that years of Christians experiencing life together led to following the seasons with celebrations and other remembrances. This week marks the beginning of the Advent season which I discovered last year is full of both highs and lows emotionally. Why had I mostly thought of Christmas as filled only with joy? As I walked through my first season without dad, the Advent calendar was my guide. I hope you’ll join me in exploring it further this year.
Release holiday expectations
Oh, the long list of family traditions. The things we ALWAYS do. It won’t be the holidays without (fill in the blank). What if we just threw out the whole list? This is what started my holiday anxiety this year and last. It began with Thanksgiving preparations. Last year, Mom didn’t want a traditional holiday. This year, my attempt to get back to our “normal” decorations and festivities just stressed me out. What was the most important thing for all of us? It was being together, remembering Dad and Mama, and sharing food and memories. It also brought the joy of welcoming new family members like our new daughter-in-love and her amazing family along with their traditions.
Again, lessons learned from “blue holidays” past prepared me to adapt this year. To simplify and prevent unnecessary anxiety, there will be visits with family spread throughout November and December this year. We will simplify the traditions and focus on being together not on specific dates. I’m sure we will laugh, and we will cry. In the end, we will be thankful. Because, even during the sadness and disappointments of life, there is hope and light on the other side.
Next week: The Healing Power of Advent
